7:47 PM: The Baseball Tonight roundtable is doing some pre-game chatting. Present here is a smorgasbord of analysts whose opinions I have virtually no interest in: Karl Ravech (annoying), Tim Kurkijan (weird voice), Curt Schilling (bleuughh), Alex Cora (apparently qualified to talk about baseball thanks to his career .243 batting average in the majors), and Barry Larkin (lesser-known father of a famous Miami point guard). For some reason, they're discussing the Los Angeles Angels even though tonight's game is between the Rangers and Astros, so ... good effort, chaps.
7:51 PM: The Rangers' lineup is announced. It's noticeably not as strong as in recent years -- David Murphy is a nice player, but he's hitting fifth. Ex-Astro, current-Ranger Lance Berkman gets a loud reaction from his one-time home crowd. Mostly positive, so good for them. Matt Harrison is pitching for the Rangers, Bud Norris for the Astros. Norris is the highest-paid player on the Astros and he's making $3 million. That is not a typo.
7:53 PM: The Astros lineup is announced, and it's a veritable Who's-Who of ex-Triple-A All-Stars. The two most recognizable names are Carlos Pena and Jose Altuve; the rest of the lineup is made up of Brett Wallace, Chris Carter, Justin Maxwell, Jason Castro, Matt Dominguez, Brandon Barnes, and Ronny Cedeno. Ugly. This is why the Astros are all but certain to lose 100 games for the third consecutive season.
7:55 PM: "Four-time Grammy Award winner" and country-music-star Lyle Lovett sings the national anthem, awkwardly accompanied by a violin. This is the part where the rest of the country regrets the league's choice to open the season in Texas.
7:57 PM: J.J. Watt of the NFL's Houston Texas emerges to throw the first pitch, and he gets more cheers than the entire Astros lineup combined.
7:58 PM: Turns out J.J. Watt is better at locating holes in the offensive line than the strike zone.
8:04 PM: Some pregame chatter in the booth between ESPN's broadcasters, Dan Shulman, Orel Hershiser, and John Kruk. Shulman is excellent and Hershiser is bearable, but Kruk is seriously useless. He's talking about the AL East right now. Again: this is a Rangers-Astros game. What makes him even more annoying is the fact that everyone insists on calling him "Krukie."
8:05 PM: Buster Olney informs us that the Houston Astros' payroll this year is about $18 million dollars, and there are more than 20 individual players in baseball are making more than their entire team. That's actually relevant information. Much appreciated, Buster.
8:08 PM: Bud Norris of the Astros throws the first pitch of the season, a 92 mile per hour strike to Ian Kinsler. Baseball! Kinsler flies out on the second pitch.
8:11 PM: Norris strikes out Elvis Andrus. There's hope in Houston! Things have not fallen apart immediately! Lance Berkman steps to the plate, and this time, he gets a much more mixed reaction from the crowd before grounding out. Bud Norris is no-hitting the Texas Rangers! Baseball history!
8:15 PM: It's the bottom of the first and Jose Altuve, perhaps the only above-average player in this lineup, steps to the plate for the Astros. He singles on the first pitch he sees and proceeds to get thrown out stealing second -- but the replay shows he was actually safe. Took less than ten minutes for our first blown call of the 2013 season. If there's one frustrating thing about Major League Baseball (besides "Krukie") it's the archaic resistance to incorporating more instant replay. Meanwhile, the Astros fail to score, making this inning no different than almost every other Astros inning.
8:26 PM: In the top of the second, ESPN shows a graphic that lists the Rangers' "Notable Losses" from last season -- Josh Hamilton and Mike Napoli, for instance. Bizarrely, they've included Michael Young under this column. Removing Young from your everyday lineup is a Notable Addition By Subtraction. Meanwhile, Norris has walked two batters in this inning, apparently going for the A.J. Burnett-style no-hitter.
8:31 PM: And Norris surrenders his first hit, off the bat of new Ranger A.J. Pierzynski (whose presence on any major league team makes it instantly easier to dislike that major league team). There will be no baseball history made tonight. Norris does, however, strike out Mitch Moreland to escape the inning unscathed.
8:40 PM: Highlights from the bottom of the second: Carlos Pena strikes out against a left-hander and looks awful doing so; then Adrian Beltre casually grabs a screaming line-drive like it was no big deal. Business as usual for both parties.
8:52 PM: Another bad call from an umpire. The top of the third ends when Elvis Andrus sends a looping liner into center that Justin Maxwell dove and "caught" -- though he clearly trapped the ball. Maxwell sprints off the field as quickly as possible before the umpire gets a chance to change his mind.
Maxwell exiting centerfield at Trapping speed8:59 PM: Matt Harrison of the Rangers doesn't normally strike out many batters, but the Astros are making him look like Pedro Martinez. He's now struck out five and breezed through three innings on just 38 pitches. Then again, the three batters he just dominated were Matt Dominguez, Brandon Barnes, and Ronny Cedeno. Analysis: the Astros won't be scoring many runs this year.
— Jonathan Bernhardt (@jonbernhardt) April 1, 2013
9:03 PM: Lance Berkman (who ESPN has just informed me is "Texas through-and-through") lines a leadoff single in the top of the fourth. Dan Shulman then drops this knowledge bomb: Berkman has the second-highest slugging percentage all-time among switch-hitters, behind only Mickey Mantle. ("Krukie" wisely deduces that this means Berkman has a higher slugging percentage than Chipper Jones and Eddie Murray. Way to put the pieces together, dude.) So Berkman's career line now sits at .296/.409/.544 with 360 home runs. Hall of Fame worthy? The Rangers still remain scoreless.
9:20 PM: And the Astros are threatening! Singles by Brett Wallace and Carlos Pena have put two men on with two outs in the bottom of the fourth. Up now in this crucial spot, the Astros' number-five hitter ... Justin Maxwell, who hit .229 with a .304 OBP last year. Ouch.
9:22 PM: But Maxwell delivers! Never doubted him! He crushes a high fly ball to left field that bounces on the very top of the wall; the left-fielder has no idea what just happened, two runs score, and Maxwell ends up at third. 2-0 Astros! Hope for bad teams everywhere!
9:30 PM: It's the top of the fifth, the Rangers are losing, and right away John Kruk begins talking about the leadership that the Rangers are lacking with Michael Young no longer around. Hilariously ridiculous.
OH MY GOD WE'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT MICHAEL YOUNG.9:40 PM: Bottom of the fifth, and more Astros runs! Ronny Cedeno slaps a ball into right field that Nelson Cruz misplays (stop me if you've heard this before), pushing the lead to 3-0. Then Jose Altuve singles home another run. 4-0. It's a rout! Derek Lowe is warming in the bullpen for the Rangers, which is the baseball equivalent of a white flag. Strange outing for Matt Harrison.
— Colin Wyers (@cwyers) April 1, 2013
9:56 PM: The Rangers have finally arrived. A Kinsler walk and Berkman single has runners on the corners with one out. Adrian Beltre to the plate -- and he lines a bullet right at the pitcher. Everything's coming up Astros.
10:01 PM: Until now. David Murphy gets the Rangers' first run home with a single to right. Then Nelson Cruz knocks in another run with a single past the shortstop. All with two outs. Suddenly it's 4-2 and Bud Norris is out. In comes ... Erik Bedard. Once an ace, now exiled to the Astros' bullpen. He could never stay healthy. Interesting idea by Houston, using him out of the bullpen. He gets his team out of the jam.
10:13 PM: In the bottom of the sixth, Harrison gets his ninth strikeout (of Carlos Pena ... again). But he puts two runners on with two outs and gets yanked. For some reason, Rangers manager Ron Washington is bringing in Derek Lowe here. Really? Derek Lowe is little more than a long man at this point. Using your worst pitcher in one of the game's most important situations may not end well.
10:24 PM: Sure enough: three-run home run. By Rick Ankiel, of all people. That's what you get when you bring in Derek Lowe in a key situation. 7-2 Astros. Ron Washington, will you ever learn?
10:41 PM: After the Rangers go down without making noise in the top of the seventh, Lowe gets replaced by Jason Frasor, who retires the side in the bottom of the inning. Frasor is actually a competent reliever. Was he really a worse option than Lowe in the sixth? Still struggling to understand the logic ...
10:44 PM: Top of the eighth, Astros third baseman Matt Dominguez makes a sweet play fielding a tough ground ball and throwing to first on the run for the out. It's players like Dominguez that the Astros are wisely trying to stockpile. They got him from the Marlins last summer by trading away a half-season of the overpaid Carlos Lee. He's cheap, young, plays excellent defense at third, and even hit a little in his major league debut last year. The Astros are throwing so many darts at prospects like Dominguez that eventually a few are going to hit.
10:47 PM: Bedard retires the side again. Seven consecutive outs and looking strong, too. Is he on his way to the rare three-inning save? That would be a pretty cool move by new Astros manager Bo Porter, who's looking for his first-ever win.
10:53 PM: Justin Maxwell gets his second triple of the game down the right-field line (with an assist from a Rangers defense that has looked atrocious tonight). Maxwell will never take a walk, but he's got serious power and is a safe bet to lead the Astros in home runs this year. He's also on pace for 324 triples, so there's that.
10:55 PM: Speaking of horrendous defense ... with Maxwell on third and two outs, Dominguez dribbles a grounder up the middle that Rangers second baseman Ian Kinsler just whiffed on. The run scores. 8-2. Kinsler was clearly missing Michael Young's leadership on that play.
11:00 PM: Top of the ninth and Bedard is still out there to finish this thing off. Love the move. Managers are too wedded to the idea of using certain relievers in certain innings. From the looks of this, Bo Porter will be a bit more flexible. That makes sense, considering the Astros are one of the most forward-thinking organizations in baseball (even if their players suck).
11:08 PM: Astros win! Fireworks are going off! They're in first place! Bo Porter is undefeated as a major league manager! Unfortunately, this may be he high point of Houston's season. But at least for one night, the Astros were winners on national television. They deserved this victory. There won't be many of them in 2013.
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