That's a Clown Article, Bro

Some might consider it noteworthy that Bryce Harper did not crack the National League's All-Star roster. Gregg Doyel of CBS Sports is one of those people. He argues that Harper should be in the All-Star Game despite being wholly unqualified:

"Some of you will call this a clown question, but here it comes:

How can the 2012 All-Star Game not include Bryce Harper?"

Bryce Harper ranks 16th among NL outfielders in OPS. He is tied for 24th in Wins Above Replacement among the same group. The better question would be: how can the 2012 All-Star Game include Bryce Harper?

"That's my question, bro, and apparently I care about it more than Harper himself, who didn't make the National League roster in the fan vote, the player vote or the managerial vote -- but who is one of five players for the last NL roster spot, alongside Chipper Jones, Michael Bourn, Aaron Hill and David Freese. Upon learning Sunday he was among the five finalists for that Internet vote, Harper said, 'I'd vote for Chipper.'"

So, based on those two sentences, here's a list of people who think Bryce Harper should not be an All-Star:

1. Baseball managers
2. Baseball players
3. Baseball fans
4. Bryce Harper
5. Basically everyone except Gregg Doyel

"So this is the loneliest of battles I'm waging, wanting an All-Star spot for a guy who doesn't seem to want the All-Star spot himself. But I'll wage it nonetheless, even if most of you hate the idea. Which makes no sense to me, by the way.

The All-Star Game is for you."

Me?

"You. It's not for the players, not for the managers, and while the All-Star game is for home-field advantage in the World Series, it's not for that, either. That's not why this game is scheduled. This game is scheduled for you. And for me. It's for people like us -- who want to watch some combination of the best, most popular and most entertaining baseball players in the world."

See, that's wrong. The All-Star game is for the best players. Anything else compromises the vital competition for home-field advantage in the World Series; There are dozens of players who are "popular," or "entertaining," but don't belong within 100 miles of an All-Star roster (Carlos Zambrano, anyone? Jose Valverde? Tim Lincecum? Ichiro Suzuki? etc etc).

"And I want to watch Bryce Harper.

He might or might not be one of the 34 best players in the National League, but he has to be one of the most popular, and one of the most entertaining."

Can I suggest some edits? This should read: He might or might not be hasn't been one of the 34 best players in the National League, but he has to be one of the most popular, and one of the most entertaining, which helps his chances of winning American Idol or a Miss America contest but has no actual bearing on his worthiness (or lack thereof) for an All-Star roster spot.

Fixed.

"Has to be. Listen, when it comes to something like this, popularity isn't a, um, popularity contest. It's about name recognition, fame, buzz. Lots of us tune into the All-Star Game to see something interesting, something fun."

Because, I assume, seeing the best players in baseball compete against each other for nine innings isn't "interesting" or "fun."

"David Freese? He's not interesting. Sorry, but he's not. He's very good, and he's very nice, but he's not very fun."

If you're going to pick an MLB player to serve as your "boring" strawman...why would you pick the guy who had two of the most dramatic World Series hits in history last October??? David Freese is anything but boring. Weird.

"Same goes for Aaron Hill. Michael Bourn? Interesting player there. Chipper Jones? Hall of Famer. So there are two decent names for fans to pick, assuming they don't pick Bryce Harper.
But why would they not pick Bryce Harper?"

Michael Bourn, CF: 3.9 WAR, 22 steals
Aaron Hill, 2B: 2.8 WAR, .872 OPS
Chipper Jones, 3B: Future Hall of Famer
Bryce Harper, RF: 1.4 WAR, .819 OPS

That's why.

"I know, there are reasons: He's not deserving, which I'd debate."

Andre Ethier. Matt Holliday. Jason Kubel. Michael Bourn. Martin Prado. Jason Heyward. Dexter Fowler. Hunter Pence. All are more deserving than Harper, and that's impossible to debate. Most any other argument is irrelevant.

"He'll have plenty of chances in the future, which I'd suggest is impossible to predict. He's not to be trusted with home field of the World Series on the line, which I'd reject outright. There are 68 players in the All-Star Game, so there's a 1.47 percent chance of Harper being the deciding factor."

That might be the lamest attempt at statistical probability I have ever seen.

"...Harper is the real deal, but again, he's more than that. He's fun. He's exciting. Other than Angels phenom Mike Trout, Harper is the guy I most want to see next Tuesday night.
And isn't that the point of the All-Star Game? To get people like me -- a voracious baseball reader, but only a casual watcher -- to turn on the television?"

That might be the most frustrating part of this article. The All-Star Game is a showcase of the best hitters and pitchers in baseball...but you won't find it compelling or exciting or even watchable unless Bryce Harper is there? Really? Josh Hamilton doesn't do it for you? Ryan Braun doesn't quite make your cut? Aroldis Chapman doesn't throw hard enough? Melky Cabrera not "fun" enough? Robinson Cano not "exciting" enough? R.A. Dickey not "popular" enough? What about David Price? Andrew McCutchen? Miguel Cabrera? Giancarlo Stanton? Clayton Kershaw? If that lineup of All-Stars doesn't do anything for you, then I'm sorry, but you really aren't a baseball fan, sir.

"Hate to break it to you, Mr. or Ms. Hardcore Baseball Fan, but baseball isn't hoping to lure you to the TV set. See, baseball knows you're going to watch. You play fantasy baseball, you have the baseball package on your home TV, you do a damn good impersonation of Tim Kurkjian, and you watch the All-Star Game. That's a given.

Baseball doesn't put on this midseason spectacle to lure you. It puts it on to lure me, and people like me, and as a hardcore baseball fan you should encourage that. You love your sport, right? You want it to grow, right? Then give people like me what we want."

Joey Votto? David Ortiz? Buster Posey? Joe Mauer? Mark Trumbo? Craig Kimbrel? Nothing???

"Give me Bryce Harper."

Matt Cain? Carlos Gonzalez? Prince Fielder? Jose Altuve? Stephen Strasburg???

"Or give me the remote control."

No, you can go watch NFL highlights in the other room. I'll be watching the All-Star Game.