This Is Bad Writing

The enemy.

My mind was just assaulted by Peter Gammons' latest article at MLB.com ("Spring a reminder of glory to come"). Strange word choice, factual errors, embarrassing attempts at faux-poetry... I'm not quite sure what's going on. It begins:

Technically, the season is two games old, with Yoenis Cespedes atop the Triple Crown leaderboard.

Just a terrible, terrible start. Yoenis Cespedes is in no way atop the Triple Crown leaderboard. He's tied with Dustin Ackley in RBI (2). He's tied with four other players in HR (1). And he's behind Ichiro by over 100 points in batting average (.444 to .333). How can Gammons possibly misread a simple column of numbers when only fourteen players have actually gotten the 8 at-bats needed to qualify for this very very small leaderboard??

Logical conclusion: Peter Gammons is senile. The rest of the article, which points out some reasons why this spring training was extra-special, proves this fact.

On the $2.15 billion sale of the Dodgers:

...the Dodgers have Magic and they're not going to be restricted to bidding for Aaron Harang and Adam Kennedy. They can poster up Matt Kemp against Albert Pujols, throw Clayton Kershaw against Tim Lincecum and late-night baseball means Rangers-Angels or Dodgers-Giants-D-backs. Their programming has stars, it has pennant races, it has riches, it has faces, and while the big money seemingly resides on the coasts, the defending World Series champions reside in St. Louis, the National League Central could be a three- or four-team see-saw and the long-standing fans of the Detroit Tigers will sell out Comerica Park on Thursday, looking out at three megastars -- Justin Verlander, Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrera -- with the belief that this is 1984 redux.

Whew. The mother of all run-on sentences. Gammons starts by talking about the Dodgers' newfound financial power, then seemingly shifts to West-Coast-Baseball in general, but then quickly points out that not all the money is centralized on the coasts, because the Central divisions have some strong teams and the Detroit Tigers are reminiscent of another Tigers team that played 28 years ago. No need to use multiple sentences to express that straightforward thought. I also like how Gammons mentions that West Coast programming now has "faces," as if pre-2012 Dodgers-Giants games were played by amorphous, faceless blobs.

On the addition of a new wild card to each league:

...and the fact is that fans in Texas and Southern California feel more strongly about making the postseason than those in New York and New England.

Umm...why? They're all competing against each other for the same wild card spots. The AL West didn't get its own special wild card, regardless of how psyched Gammons feels about West-Coast-Baseball ("Now With Faces!"). Sure, the Rangers and Angels have better postseason chances because they play a bunch of games against the A's and Mariners, while the Yankees/Red Sox get the Rays and Blue Jays...but that was true before the extra wild card, too. So...take that.

Spring training was also special because:

3. The spring focused on the game's rising stars...this is part of what we love, and the regeneration of fascinating, talented and star-personality players is vital if baseball is going to be an entertainment as well as sentimentally evergreen. 

There must have been a way of communicating that thought without trying to force "sentimentally evergreen" (????) down my throat.

The insightful reasons continue:

4. There was a huge, natural fascination with the present stars.

As opposed to the olden days, when fans were more fascinated with backup catchers and Dooley Womack than the superstars. Glad we finally bucked that trend.

Now time for my favorite reason:

6. We finally will learn if baseball can succeed in Miami.

Finally. It's about time that age-old question has been answered. Next project: can bowling succeed in Yonkers?

Meanwhile, it's going to be a boffo opening for the Marlins. The ballpark is unique, it is Miami cool and the team is very good.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but: I'm quite certain this was written by a fifth-grader who's learning English as his second language. "Miami cool"????

Hanley Ramirez has accepted the move to third base and is a kid again.

If there's some kind of freaky, Benjamin Button-style reverse-aging thing going on with the Marlins' franchise player, Gammons needs to notify the proper officials posthaste.

Jose Reyes is ever-energetic.

"Energetic" always being the common baseball euphemism for "small, fast Latino middle-infielder with a big smile and hamstring troubles."

If Giancarlo Stanton's knee is all right, he is one of the great young stars anywhere, as well as precisely what we all want our stars to be.

Uh...blessed with robust knees and an Italian-sounding name? Care to elaborate on those 'precise' characteristics? Guess not.

If Josh Johnson can make 30 starts, he can be an NL Cy Young Award contender, the Marlins will be contenders and we're all going to board the Ozzie Train.

Listen very closely: I have absolutely no interest in boarding the 'Ozzie Train.' None whatsoever.

To repeat: Ozzie Guillen is Robin Williams; had they made a Spanish "Good Morning Vietnam," Ozzie would have played the lead.

Had they made a Korean "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," Shin-Soo Choo would have played the lead ("Shin-Soo Choo with the Dragon Tattoo"? I think we're onto something).

Oh, wait. I forgot. This is ludicrous. Go away, Peter Gammons. Far, far away.