Imagine you're the Milwaukee Bucks, or the Charlotte Bobcats, or the Sacramento Kings. You've been mired in either lukewarm mediocrity or numbing incompetence for years, certainly longer than anyone can remember. You don't have a single bona fide star on your roster. You can't acquire one through free agency, because no star who wants to win a championship would ever sign on with your dismal roster. You're a completely irrelevant NBA franchise. What's your next move? How do you escape the vicious vortex of perpetual losing? The answer -- counter-intuitive though it may seem -- is "get even worse."
It's a difficult strategy to stomach, particularly for business organizations that need to sell tickets to fans. But it's the right choice. Any mediocre team that doesn't have a chance at winning the title next year -- from the dismal Magic and Bobcats all the way up to the storied Celtics and Lakers -- should be preparing to intentionally weaken their rosters and completely tank away the upcoming season. The ultimate goal: acquiring the highest possible draft pick in 2014.
There are a couple of reasons why the tanking route is the way to go. Number one: more than in any other sport, the destiny of NBA franchises is dictated by stars. It's nearly impossible to win a championship -- or even contend for one -- without having one (or more) of the league's best players. The last team to win a title without a bona fide "star" was, famously, the 2004 Pistons. Since that year, the best player on the Finals-winning team has always been a future-Hall-of-Fame-superstar: LeBron James, Tim Duncan, Kobe Bryant, Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Dwayne Wade, and Tony Parker. Any team that doesn't have a player of that caliber just doesn't have a realistic shot at winning a championship, not under this NBA structure. Those out-of-luck teams need to rebuild their rosters and start over with the singular goal of acquiring a superstar. The best way to find one? Getting the highest possible draft pick. LeBron, Duncan, Kobe, Pierce, Nowitzki, and Wade were all lottery (top-14) picks. So were Kevin Durant, Blake Griffin, Kevin Love, Russell Westbrook, Stephen Curry, John Wall, Paul George, Kyrie Irving, and Anthony Davis, all of whom are completely rebuilding the images of their once-downtrodden franchises.
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| Andrew Wiggins, the NBA's version of Andrew Luck. |
So with that, we officially kick off the 2014 NBA Tank-a-Palooza. Here are the participants, some of them more willing than others. Each team is awarded a grade for how good they're going to be at losing. Warning: the (lack of) competition is fierce.
Orlando Magic. With one of the worst rosters in the league, the Magic probably couldn't win games even if they tried. They've got cap space to sign free agents, but haven't used it yet, which is exactly the kind of basic tanking philosophy we're looking for. They're also paying Hedo Turkoglu $12 million to do nothing, which gets high marks, too. Even more creatively: they've been toying with the idea of using the freshly-drafted Victor Oladipo as a point guard. If utilized, the Magic get major tanking points for this strategy -- considering you need to be able to dribble to play that position, using Oladipo at the point should result in a nice wave of additional losses.
Tanking Grade: A
Charlotte Bobcats. Should be in full tanking mode, but they signed Al Jefferson for $41 million for some reason. A puzzling move from a basketball perspective, since Jefferson makes the team slightly better (which is bad news for Charlotte's 2014 draft position) but not good enough to make the playoffs. That middle ground isn't where you want to be. The Bobcats will once again be a bad team in 2014, just not bad enough for a realistic shot at Andrew Wiggins. That's disappointing, because this is the franchise that needs Wiggins most.
Tanking Grade: C
Phoenix Suns. Drafting Alex Len fifth overall last month was a terrible basketball move. He's already had multiple ankle surgeries and he's just not very good. But as a tanking move? Masterful. He won't contribute much at all to the 2014 Suns, which is exactly what we want here. Phoenix's other secret weapon: Michael Beasley. The NBA's answer to Delmon Young, Beasley last year shot a dismal 40% from the field on more than ten shots per game. The Suns would be wise to up his minutes.
Tanking Grade: A
Sacramento Kings. They traded away their best player in exchange for something called Greivis Vasquez, which is consistent with the tanking philosophy. But they've also taken measures to improve the team in the short-term. They're not good enough to make the playoffs, but not bad enough to get a top-five draft pick. Severe penalty for lack of direction.
Tanking Grade: C
Los Angeles Lakers. Barely a playoff team last year, the Lakers are losing Dwight Howard and Metta World Peace while Kobe Bryant is trying to recover from a serious Achilles injury. With no financial flexibility to improve the roster, they've got no shot at winning a championship in 2014. Ideally, they should be trading Pau Gasol, convincing Kobe to take his sweet time returning from rehab, and bottoming out in anticipation of grabbing a future star in the draft. But the Lakers consider themselves to be above tanking. They'll try to bring Kobe back as soon as possible (risking his long-term health) with the ridiculous goal of winning the title. Delusional. There's no point in pulling out all the stops just to finish with a meaningless 41-41 record when a 28-54 record could deliver L.A. its next great superstar.
Tanking Grade: D
Boston Celtics. The Celtics finally gave up on winning another championship with Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, taking the same plunge that the Lakers stubbornly refuse to make. By trading Pierce and Garnett to the Brooklyn Nets, the Celtics pulled off one of the best tanking moves of the summer, for several reasons:
1. Losing Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett instantly makes the team really bad, improving its potential draft position.
2. Replacing those franchise icons with The $10 Million Corpse of Gerald Wallace (and his sweet sub-40% shooting percentage last year), as well as Resident Kardashian Head Case Kris Humphries, instantly makes the team unfathomably bad.
3. Boston received a truckload of draft picks in the deal, which will improve the roster down the road while keeping it dismal for right now.
Furthermore, the Celtics will probably let Rajon Rondo take his time recovering from his ACL injury (the opposite of what the Lakers will do with Kobe). Until he returns, the team's backcourt will be composed of Avery Bradley, Jordan Crawford, MarShon Brooks, Courtney Lee, and Keith Bogans. This is going to be a really bad team. Imagine what it would look like if they trade away Rondo. That would be the ultimate play for Wiggins.
Tanking Grade: A
Milwaukee Bucks. Mired in a neverending quest to acquire a strangehold on the eighth seed in the playoffs. They gave about $40 million combined to O.J. Mayo and Zaza Pachulia, which suggests they're more interested in collecting fun names than tanking. The Bucks are never going to be able to convince the best free agents to come to Milwaukee, so the draft is their only chance of getting elite talent ... but they're not putting themselves in a position to get the highest possible pick. Going nowhere.
Tanking Grade: D
Utah Jazz. Many of the teams on this list are finding subtle ways to fulfill their tanking needs. Like Gerald Wallace and Michael Beasley types. The Jazz, on the other hand, aren't being shy about it. They:
1. Let their two best players walk in free agency.
2. Got nothing in return for them.
3. Used that cap space to absorb two of the least valuable players in the sport, Andris Biedrins and Richard Jefferson. Both are basically useless on the court and they're owed a combined $20 million next season.
Charlotte Bobcats. Should be in full tanking mode, but they signed Al Jefferson for $41 million for some reason. A puzzling move from a basketball perspective, since Jefferson makes the team slightly better (which is bad news for Charlotte's 2014 draft position) but not good enough to make the playoffs. That middle ground isn't where you want to be. The Bobcats will once again be a bad team in 2014, just not bad enough for a realistic shot at Andrew Wiggins. That's disappointing, because this is the franchise that needs Wiggins most.
Tanking Grade: C
Phoenix Suns. Drafting Alex Len fifth overall last month was a terrible basketball move. He's already had multiple ankle surgeries and he's just not very good. But as a tanking move? Masterful. He won't contribute much at all to the 2014 Suns, which is exactly what we want here. Phoenix's other secret weapon: Michael Beasley. The NBA's answer to Delmon Young, Beasley last year shot a dismal 40% from the field on more than ten shots per game. The Suns would be wise to up his minutes.
Tanking Grade: A
Sacramento Kings. They traded away their best player in exchange for something called Greivis Vasquez, which is consistent with the tanking philosophy. But they've also taken measures to improve the team in the short-term. They're not good enough to make the playoffs, but not bad enough to get a top-five draft pick. Severe penalty for lack of direction.
Tanking Grade: C
Los Angeles Lakers. Barely a playoff team last year, the Lakers are losing Dwight Howard and Metta World Peace while Kobe Bryant is trying to recover from a serious Achilles injury. With no financial flexibility to improve the roster, they've got no shot at winning a championship in 2014. Ideally, they should be trading Pau Gasol, convincing Kobe to take his sweet time returning from rehab, and bottoming out in anticipation of grabbing a future star in the draft. But the Lakers consider themselves to be above tanking. They'll try to bring Kobe back as soon as possible (risking his long-term health) with the ridiculous goal of winning the title. Delusional. There's no point in pulling out all the stops just to finish with a meaningless 41-41 record when a 28-54 record could deliver L.A. its next great superstar.
Tanking Grade: D
Boston Celtics. The Celtics finally gave up on winning another championship with Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, taking the same plunge that the Lakers stubbornly refuse to make. By trading Pierce and Garnett to the Brooklyn Nets, the Celtics pulled off one of the best tanking moves of the summer, for several reasons:
1. Losing Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett instantly makes the team really bad, improving its potential draft position.
2. Replacing those franchise icons with The $10 Million Corpse of Gerald Wallace (and his sweet sub-40% shooting percentage last year), as well as Resident Kardashian Head Case Kris Humphries, instantly makes the team unfathomably bad.
3. Boston received a truckload of draft picks in the deal, which will improve the roster down the road while keeping it dismal for right now.
Furthermore, the Celtics will probably let Rajon Rondo take his time recovering from his ACL injury (the opposite of what the Lakers will do with Kobe). Until he returns, the team's backcourt will be composed of Avery Bradley, Jordan Crawford, MarShon Brooks, Courtney Lee, and Keith Bogans. This is going to be a really bad team. Imagine what it would look like if they trade away Rondo. That would be the ultimate play for Wiggins.
Tanking Grade: A
Milwaukee Bucks. Mired in a neverending quest to acquire a strangehold on the eighth seed in the playoffs. They gave about $40 million combined to O.J. Mayo and Zaza Pachulia, which suggests they're more interested in collecting fun names than tanking. The Bucks are never going to be able to convince the best free agents to come to Milwaukee, so the draft is their only chance of getting elite talent ... but they're not putting themselves in a position to get the highest possible pick. Going nowhere.
Tanking Grade: D
Utah Jazz. Many of the teams on this list are finding subtle ways to fulfill their tanking needs. Like Gerald Wallace and Michael Beasley types. The Jazz, on the other hand, aren't being shy about it. They:
1. Let their two best players walk in free agency.
2. Got nothing in return for them.
3. Used that cap space to absorb two of the least valuable players in the sport, Andris Biedrins and Richard Jefferson. Both are basically useless on the court and they're owed a combined $20 million next season.
If your team could have Richard Jefferson or a pile of old laundry, how many minutes would you give the laundry?
— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) May 7, 2013
Losing your two best players and replacing them with $20 million in dead money is an impressive tanking maneuver. And the rest of the roster is completely devoid of any solid veterans. If Trey Burke isn't up to the task of running an NBA offense in his first season, then the Jazz will be in the Andrew Wiggins sweepstakes.
Tanking Grade: A
Philadelphia 76ers. On draft night a few weeks ago, the Sixers pulled off the best tanking move of the summer. They traded away their best player and All-Star point guard, Jrue Holiday, to New Orleans for nothing that can help them next season (the injured Nerlens Noel and a 2014 draft pick), and then replaced him with a rookie who can't shoot (Michael Carter-Williams). So basically, the Sixers instantly made themselves a front-runner for Andrew Wiggins while drastically improving their future. This time next year, Philadelphia could be looking at a terrifically exciting young core consisting of Noel, Carter-Williams, and two elite prospects from the 2014 draft. Right now, though? Evan Turner is their second-best player. This team is going to be worse than awful next year. Which is exactly the point.
Tanking Grade: A
Philadelphia 76ers. On draft night a few weeks ago, the Sixers pulled off the best tanking move of the summer. They traded away their best player and All-Star point guard, Jrue Holiday, to New Orleans for nothing that can help them next season (the injured Nerlens Noel and a 2014 draft pick), and then replaced him with a rookie who can't shoot (Michael Carter-Williams). So basically, the Sixers instantly made themselves a front-runner for Andrew Wiggins while drastically improving their future. This time next year, Philadelphia could be looking at a terrifically exciting young core consisting of Noel, Carter-Williams, and two elite prospects from the 2014 draft. Right now, though? Evan Turner is their second-best player. This team is going to be worse than awful next year. Which is exactly the point.
Tanking Grade: A+
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