Previewing Week 1

It's well-known that you don't count as a real American if you don't like football. So while you're watching this weekend, here are some storylines to look out for so you can at least pretend that an event dictated by how hard grown men can run into each other possesses some semblance of narrative.

Indianapolis Colts @ Chicago Bears
Jay Cutler shouldn't even need Brandon Marshall in this one. Matt Forte will most likely run all over the Colts' terrible run defense. The outcome of this game is mostly irrelevant. It's Andrew Luck's first NFL game. That's why we care.
What to watch for: That Luck character.
The pick: Bears, by no small margin.

Philadelphia Eagles @ Cleveland Browns
Browns fans get their first taste of rookies Brandon Weeden and Trent Richardson. Against the excellent Eagles defense, though, it might get ugly.
What to watch for: The effectiveness of the Kevlar vest being worn by Michael Vick to protect his ribs. If he can stay in the game, he'll put up big numbers.
The pick: The Browns get crushed. They might not be able to beat Alabama, let alone NFL teams.

Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets
The Jets are actually favored in this game. Probably only because they're at home. I have no confidence in their ability to score an offensive touchdown. Depressingly, this just feels like a 16-15 final score.
What to watch for: How the Bills' revamped defense looks. Also: pro-Tebow chants.
The pick: Bills eke out the road win.

Washington Redskins @ New Orleans Saints
The suspensions for some of the Saints' key defensive players were overturned, so they'll be on the field. That makes it tougher for Robert Griffin III to score enough points to beat the Saints in their dome of doom.
What to watch for: If there's a discernible drop-off in performance for the Saints without suspended coach Sean Payton on the sidelines. And, obviously, RGIII.
The pick: Saints. Can't ask a rookie QB to win in New Orleans.

New England Patriots @ Tennessee Titans
The Titans will try to slow down the Patriots' offensive juggernaut. They won't be able to, so it's all about running the ball with Chris Johnson and keeping Tom Brady on the sidelines. Not so sure they'll be able to do that either.
What to watch for: Jake Locker. He could finish with some really crazy line, like 350 yards, two rushing touchdowns, and four interceptions. Or something like that.
The pick: Patriots.

Jacksonville Jagaurs @ Minnesota Vikings
The only terribly uninteresting game of Week 1. Neither team's best player (Maurice Jones-Drew and Adrian Peterson) is expected to participate much. Neither team's quarterback (Blaine Gabbert and Christian Ponder) is particularly competent. Smells like a 10-7 kind of game.
What to watch for: Whether Gabbert and Ponder made significant improvements from last year.
The pick: Neither. Um, I guess Vikings. But I'm not happy about it.

Miami Dolphins @ Houston Texans
Texans are favored by a good 12 points. This game is so lopsided that it feels like an obvious candidate for Shocking Upset of the Week, just because it would make so little sense. Houston will be able to run the ball at will; Miami can't cover Andre Johnson; Ryan Tannehill will have no one to throw to against the stifling Texans defense. Yeah, it would make no sense at all.
What to watch for: Tannehill, who is a completely unknown entity.
The pick: Texans. It's a lock. There, I just jinxed it.

St. Louis Rams @ Detroit Lions
Another game that feels terribly lopsided. The Lions can score points at will and the Rams can't stop anyone. But can't you theoretically picture Sam Bradford tearing up Detroit's secondary, the Lions doing their typical underperforming act, and the Rams stunning everyone by winning their first game under Jeff Fisher? No, me neither.
What to watch for: How the Madden Curse will choose to strike down Calvin Johnson.
The pick: Lions, but it's a closer game than they'd like.

Atlanta Falcons @ Kansas City Chiefs
Two teams I like a lot this year, and this game could go either way. The Chiefs may be hard-pressed to stop the Falcons' new up-tempo offense. Crazy things can happen at Arrowhead, though.
What to watch for: Jamaal Charles' first game back after tearing up his knee early last season.
The pick: Matt Ryan > Matt Cassel. Falcons.

San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers
Juicy matchup: the best offense against the best defense. Alex Smith did outduel Drew Brees in the playoffs last year, but picking him to beat Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay seems somewhat blasphemous. Should be a good one, though.
What to watch for: How often Randy Moss sees the field, and his impact.
The pick: Packers.

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Don't get why the Panthers are favored by three points here. The Buccaneers aren't anything special, but they're vastly improved from last year and seem like the better all-around team. Having Cam Newton only counts for so much.
What to watch for: What the Bucs look like under new head coach Greg Schiano.
The pick: Buccaneers in an exciting, high-scoring affair.

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals
Wow, literally no one cares about this football game. At least the Seahawks chose to start exciting rookie Russell Wilson at QB after he excelled in the preseason, so there's at least one reason to watch. The Cardinals chose John Skelton over Kevin Kolb in their QB battle, but that was a no-win situation. Arizona looks terrible.
What to watch for: How much of a leash Russell Wilson gets if he struggles.
The pick: The Seahawks, because they're playing the Cardinals.

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Denver Broncos
Intriguing. It's Peyton Manning's return to the big stage and Pittsburgh's return to the site of their embarrassing playoff defeat last year. Lots of young, exciting receivers to watch here: Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker, Antonio Brown. There will be no running in this one.
What to watch for: Manning's arm strength.
The pick: Peyton's all better. Broncos.

Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens
The first Monday night game. Both defenses are a little banged up, so there may be more scoring than one might expect from an AFC North showdown. The next step for Andy Dalton is beating playoff teams, which the Bengals struggled to do last year.
What to watch for: It's all about Joe Flacco for the Ravens, who might free up their QB to throw more.
The pick: Ravens in a blowout. Not feeling the Bengals at all this year.

San Diego Chargers @ Oakland Raiders
The Chargers are favored in this one (albeit by one point), but that's strange. They won't have their best offensive weapon (Ryan Mathews is out), the left tackle situation is in serious flux, there's concern about Philip Rivers' receivers, and San Diego is hardly known for starting off the season strong. Then again....it's the Oakland Raiders.
What to watch for: How Raiders QB Carson Palmer looks after a bad preseason.
The pick: My lack of faith in the Chargers exceeds my lack of faith in the Raiders. Oakland "wins" an ugly one.