NFL Preview: Divisional Storylines

Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez are at the top of every ESPN segment, Chad Ochocinco has been arrested and cut in the last week, Michael Vick has more X-rays than touchdowns, Terrell Owens is trying to survive roster cuts in Seahawks camp, and Blaine Gabbert actually looks like a competent quarterback. Must be the NFL preseason!

There's so much information flying around during this time of year, and most of it is utterly useless. This team is going to be awesome with this new scheme! This player is in the best shape of his life! This coach is a great  fit with these personnel!

That's all fluff. This is what you really need to know about each NFL team and its division in 2012, and unfortunately, Tim Tebow only appears once.

NFC EAST: "Quarterbacks Wrapped in Riddles, Inside Enigmas"
Here is where the defending champion New York Giants make their home. And sure, Eli Manning has some shiny toys to throw to, and he has the two Super Bowl rings, but, he's still Eli Manning. The same Eli who somehow failed to throw 30 touchdown passes last year despite throwing for almost 5,000 yards.....The fate of the Philadelphia Eagles rests entirely in Michael Vick, and he might only take the field 75% of the time.....The Dallas Cowboys' very own Tony Romo is the most enigmatic of them all because he'll look very very good sometimes, and then the calendar will turn to December and his horse-drawn carriage will morph back into a pumpkin. What doesn't help him: Receiver 1A Dez Bryant getting accused of heinous crimes, Receiver 2A Miles Austin getting hamstrung by his hamstring, and Receiver 3A Jason Witten apparently missing a spleen.....The Washington Redskins completed this quirky quarterback foursome by drafting the dynamic Robert Griffin III out of Baylor, but they only traded away eighteen first round picks to get him, so it's not like there's any pressure.

AFC EAST: "The Patriots, And Maybe Some Other Teams"
The class of the division--and indeed the entire conference--is the New England Patriots. Fresh off a season in which Tom Brady finished with the second-most throwing yards of all time and Rob Gronkowski had the greatest single season by a tight end of all time, the Pats added one of the best downfield receivers in football (Brandon Lloyd) and brought back the offensive coordinator who orchestrated their record-breaking offense in 2007 (Josh McDaniels). No fair.....the Buffalo Bills paid Mario Williams a whole lot of money to revitalize the defense, but they've been so bad for so long, why should they change their ways now?.....It doesn't matter whether Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow quarterbacks the New York Jets. No offensive playmakers + no offensive line = no offense at all.....the Miami Dolphins' are heavily relying on Reggie Bush. That should tell you something. Rookie QB Ryan Tannehill was average in the Big 12, and now he's facing the Patriots twice a year. Good luck.

NFC NORTH: "No Mercy"
This cold, cruel division starts and ends with the Green Bay Packers, who were one Romeo Crennel halftime speech away from an undefeated regular season last year. They won't go 15-1 again, but this year's team might be better anyways.....The Chicago Bears are a great bounce-back candidate, having added Jay Cutler's best pal, Brandon Marshall, to the receiving corps and pairing Matt Forte with Michael Bush.....The Detroit Lions made the playoffs last year despite being entirely one-dimensional: they were the pass-happiest team in the NFL. Their running backs are hurt again, so these guys are going as far as Matthew Stafford can throw (which, fortunately, is a very long distance).....This division's honorary punching bag is the Minnesota Vikings and their sophomore quarterback, Christian Ponder. Their season is already lost, so the drama lies in Adrian Peterson's superhuman ability to recover from torn ligaments with startling speed.

AFC NORTH: "Those Poor Browns"
The changing of the guard has officially taken place, with the Baltimore Ravens taking over this division. The defense is taking a step back this year though, so the onus falls on self-proclaimed-great-QB Joe Flacco to pick up the slack.....Meanwhile, the Pittsburgh Steelers are sliding further down the hill. The running game is nonexistent, the defense is aging, and they can't protect Ben Roethlisberger.....The wild card in this division is the Cincinnati Bengals, a well-rounded team that needs another receiving threat alongside A.J. Green to help sophomore QB Andy Dalton.....The Cleveland Browns have a rookie quarterback, rookie running back, and no notable receivers. They're going to get clobbered.

NFC SOUTH: "Topsy-Turvy"
It seems like a different team wins the NFC South every year. The door is certainly open, with the New Orleans Saints losing head coach Sean Payton for the year. Of course, the offense is still paced by Drew Brees, Jimmy Graham, Marques Colston, and Darren Sproles, so good luck stopping them.....one team on the rise is the Atlanta Falcons. They could easily challenge the Saints with Matt Ryan throwing all day long to Roddy White and Julio Jones.....The Tampa Bay Buccaneers might not make the playoffs, but they're interesting. A free agency splurge has given Josh Freeman the best weapons he's ever had.....The Carolina Panthers apparently have playoff aspirations, but that's not happening if Cam Newton doesn't improve from his poor second half last year.

AFC SOUTH: "Mediocrity, Inc."
The Houston Texans downgraded their offensive line and defense over the offseason. Quarterback Matt Schaub and stud receiver Andre Johnson have both missed significant time recently. And the Texans are still far and away the best team here.....The Tennessee Titans are at least a little intriguing with sophomore Jake Locker under center. Chris Johnson needs to rebound from his dismal 2011, though.....The Indianapolis Colts simply must be miles better than last year by upgrading to Andrew Luck at quarterback, even if he's a rookie; it's the porous defense that holds this team back.....The only thing keeping the Jacksonville Jaguars respectable, 2011's leading rusher Maurice Jones-Drew, is in the midst of a holdout. That's the opposite of good.

NFC WEST: "Our Best Quarterback is Alex Smith"
Perennially the NFL's ugliest division, the NFC West finally has a frontrunner: the smashmouth San Francisco 49ers. They won't be as good (or as lucky) as last year, but the league's best defense will carry them.....A sleeper team: the Seattle Seahawks, thanks to an emerging defense. They need to settle the quarterback position between the conservative Matt Flynn and the more dynamic Russell Wilson. With a bit of luck, they could surprise.....The St. Louis Rams enticed the retired Jeff Fisher to be their new head coach, and the NFL's version of the Blue Jays can't possibly get hit as hard by injuries as they were last year. This is a big year for former #1 pick Sam Bradford.....And lastly we have the Arizona Cardinals, who will remain completely irrelevant until their quarterback competition is no longer an unholy battle between Kevin Kolb and John Skelton.

AFC WEST: "Well, We Used To Have Tebow"
Conventional wisdom says that if the Denver Broncos went 8-8 with Tim Tebow, then they can do a whole lot better with Peyton Manning. Unfortunately, that's not how it works, and a whole lot more went right for Denver that's unlikely to be repeated.....The surprise team in this division looks like the Kansas City Chiefs. Their top running back, tight end, and safety are all back after missing last year and the offensive line improved significantly.....The San Diego Chargers need Philip Rivers to up his game more than ever with Vincent Jackson in Tampa Bay and Ryan Mathews dealing with a broken clavicle.....The rather-terrible Oakland Raiders have hope in the form of all-world running back Darren McFadden, but he's never gotten through a season healthy.