MLB Uber Power Rankings

The first set of Semi-Weekly "It's Way Too Early in the Season To Take These Seriously" Uber Power Rankings of the 30 teams in baseball. Rankings are objectively subjective (the "effectively wild" of Power Rankings). All records and statistics are through Sunday, April 15.

1. Texas Rangers (8-2): Yu Darvish gets all the hype, but Neftali Feliz and Matt Harrison sport ERAs of 2.25 and 0.64 respectively.
2. New York Yankees (5-4): A healthy, deep roster will welcome Michael Pineda and Andy Pettitte to the rotation come mid-May.
3. Tampa Bay Rays (4-5): By hitting .353/.450/.735 with 3 HRs and 11 RBIs, Carlos Pena has carried a B.J. Upton-less lineup. And somehow, the Rays are also tied for the worst run differential in the majors. Impressive, yet worrisome.
4. St. Louis Cardinals (7-3): The offense has been the NL's best, while Kyle Lohse, Lance Lynn, and Jake Westbrook have chipped in six sensational starts.
5. Detroit Tigers (6-3): Boston gets a lot of crap about the back end of its rotation, yet no one wants to mention that the Tigers' starting five currently includes Adam Wilk and Drew Smyly. This might not matter, because they're going to lead the universe in runs scored if Austin Jackson continues to get on base at a .513 clip.
6. Arizona Diamondbacks (6-3): The best team no one talks about. Chris Young is OPSing 1.216, Trevor Cahill has been impressive, and Future Stud Trevor Bauer awaits in the minors.
7. Los Angeles Angels (3-5): The pitching will fix itself. What won't fix itself: the fact that Vernon Wells has received the 2nd-most at-bats on the team, and the fact that the bullpen leans on Jason Isringhausen and LaTroy Hawkins.
8. Boston Red Sox (4-5): Still a very good team even when the outfield is composed of Cody Ross, Ryan Sweeney, and Jason Repko. Boston's depth is being challenged all over the roster and the solutions may be on the trade market.
9. Washington Nationals (7-3): Outstanding starting pitching has helped Washington survive crippling injuries to Michael Morse and Drew Storen.
10. Los Angeles Dodgers (9-1): Matt Kemp is the hottest player alive right now. But the Dodgers have only played the Padres and Pirates so far. And they're still counting on the following players: James Loney, Juan Rivera, Jerry Hairston Jr., Juan Uribe, Aaron Harang, Chris Capuano...
11. Toronto Blue Jays (5-4): The starting pitching is underrated, and the offense and bullpen should improve. The Jays will only get better.
12. Cincinnati Reds (4-6): I refuse to rank the Reds any higher until Aroldis Chapman (15 K's, no BB's in 8 IP) is moved into the rotation.
13. Atlanta Braves (5-4): Looks like scoring runs will be a problem all year, and Fredi Gonzalez is just a bad manager.
14. Philadelphia Phillies (4-5): They've got to be ready to win a bunch of 2-1 games, because this offense looks terrible. No one has any idea of what to expect from Chase Utley's knees and Ryan Howard's Achilles.
15. Milwaukee Brewers (4-6): The starting pitching, supposed to be this team's strength, has been suspect. At least Ryan Braun has an OPS north of .900 and Corey Hart is homering once every 6 at-bats.
16. Miami Marlins (4-6): The offense has struggled mightily, Josh Johnson's ERA sits at 8.38, and Ozzie Guillen is gushing about dictators.
17. New York Mets (6-3): The Dodgers of the East. David Wright is murdering the ball, Johan Santana is back, and recently-extended Jonathan Niese has looked great. Yet they remain: the Mets.
18. Cleveland Indians (4-4): The starting pitching has been excellent, but Johnny Damon won't do much to boost an uneven offense.
19. Colorado Rockies (4-5): Thank goodness the offense has been cruising, because the top ERA among the starters belongs to Jamie Moyer, and his sits at 4.22.
20. Chicago White Sox (5-3): Paul Konerko and great pitching have turned the White Sox into the American League's most surprising team.
21. San Francisco Giants (4-4): Brian Wilson is out for the season, Tim Lincecum has looked frighteningly hittable, and Buster Posey has shingles. Matt Cain's complete-game, one-hit shutout was a much-needed bright spot.
22. Kansas City Royals (3-6): Alex Gordon and Eric Hosmer are off to slow starts. Another promising youngster provides hope: lefty Danny Duffy threw six shutout innings of one-hit ball in his season debut.
23. Seattle Mariners (6-5): Jesus Montero has just a .755 OPS. Of course, he also leads the Mariners in OPS.
24. Chicago Cubs (3-7): Matt Garza and Jeff Samardzija could be an electrifying and amusingly-named duo at the top of the rotation.
25. Oakland Athletics (4-6): True to form, Yoenis Cespedes has three HRs and 13 strikeouts.
26. Pittsburgh Pirates (2-6): The lineup has been putrid. Granted, the Pirates have had to face a murderer's row of pitchers so far, including Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, Clayton Kershaw, Chad Billingsley, and Matt Cain.
27. Minnesota Twins (2-7): Scott Baker being lost for the season hardly makes a difference, because even with Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau healthy, this remains an awful baseball team.
28. Baltimore Orioles (5-4): Matt Wieters and Adam Jones provide the O's with some respectability, but consider that the other four AL East teams are all ranked in the top 11 on this list. It will be a long year for Baltimore with those division foes.
29. San Diego Padres (2-8): The Padres are building towards the future with their top-ranked farm system. With 2012 a lost cause, maybe they extract a nice ransom from the Red Sox for Huston Street and/or Carlos Quentin?
30. Houston Astros (4-5): They would kill to be the Padres. The Astros will punt 2012, 2013, and maybe 2014 too. The lack of talent in this organization is mind-numbing.